lost it

why do we have to say things? I'm tired of saying things. Nothing has meaning. I can find no meaning. I am becoming numb. I am becoming dead.

she said because we want to make things that we enjoy. joy. joy. we make because it is enjoy joy joy.

joy joy joy enjoy joy joy.
I cannot enjoy joy joy. I do not want to speak. I am tired of speaking.

I don't want to not speak either.

I figured out how gerhard richter makes his abstract surfaces. mine is thin, big surprise; it could be thicker. back and forth. back and forth. it's all just back and forth. there is no meaning. I can find no meaning. I can find no meaning in leaves, branches, trees up close, far away. I can find no meaning in these because they're not real. None of this is real. In an instant, I have lost it all. I can find no meaning. There is no why. I am not those trees. I do know where I stop. I stop here.

go ahead. push paint back and forth. I'd like to go home now. I'd like to be quiet now. I'd like to not speak now. I want to go aware, go away.

why is it that I never can speak when I must? like now. I must do this. I must finish my videos. I must finish my paintings, push them. say them, make them. I don't know what I'm doing. Nothing has meaning. I can find no meaning. I honestly don't know.

she said this is the one thing that can save me. but I've lost it. I don't know where it went. it was there. in the water. I know where it was, but it's so far from here. I can't touch it. you can't touch it. I can't help you touch it. it's gone. I'm gone. I want to go aware, go away.